What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 09:32
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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One cannot live in the past .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I have no regrets .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
This is soul school!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Can you make a fake K-pop group? It can be with any idols.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
All the time i was locked up.
My family never makes their pension either.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So whats the point in blame.
I don,t even have a pension.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And i lived it daily.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
It was going to be , some day.
I said to her
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She found it foreign!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I couldn’t, believe it.
She wouldn,t have been !
When she asked me how she looked .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I waited trembling.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
What did i know ?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I will be 64.
He knew the spot.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was scared of men, in general
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was very sick at this time too.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was 9 years of age.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She was in good health!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im still living with it.
I was seconnd youngest,
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She loved him until the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But ive been too sick for many years..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But, we were locked up after school.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But it wasn’t much.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Especially a lifetime of it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I write beautiful poetry .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Put me off passion for life!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Comes on , in middle age.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I think the readers, may guess!
My life is so biszare .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We all went to grammer schools
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Would this be the day?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We were not on the streets..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Who then, do I blame.?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Ive learnt so much.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So, i spoilt her more .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She married twice! .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other